After years of flying under the ridicule radar, the rare breed of genetically plagued humans with freckled faces, bright red hair, and pasty white skin known as “Gingers” are finally getting the public humiliation their gangly appearances demand.
To make matters worse, in addition to looking like Ronald McDonald’s bastard children, Gingers are the most unathletic humans on the planet. Instead of being blessed with quickness, speed, agility or size, Gingers were blessed with lifetimes spent wearing Velcro shoes and masturbating on Saturday nights. Gingers traded coordination and athleticism for peeling sunburns and ginger pubes.
Yet, somehow, to their credit, a few Gingers have made it. Although it’s arguably less prestigious than winning the silver medal at the Special Olympics, here are my awards for the “Greatest Ginger Athletes”:
Brian Scalabrini
Ginger badass.
Shaun White
The one Ginger athlete that we do respect.
Mark McGwire
McGwire before he nightly butt roidings from Canseco.
Kris Kaman
If you think this guy is ugly ...
Bill Walton
... you haven't seen this guy!
Bobby Kielty
Embracing the awkwardness one strike out at a time.
And the Greatest Ginger Athlete Award goes to…
Chuck Norris
True karate isn't a sport and he's not really an athlete but come on, its Chuck Norris!
