Mitch Mansfield
: Arrogantly Honest Sports Commentary
I’m not like the ordinary sports writers that you’ve become accustomed to reading on your shitter—mainly because I’m a cynical asshole. I refuse to filter out what some might call an egotistical, narcissistic, and blunt personality from my expressed opinions and written word. Because I have neither a consciousness nor an editor to censor my controversial perspective, my articles give readers the sports perspective that everyone is thinking deep down, but no one has the balls to print.
By nature I am considered a prick because I am brutally honest—a reputation that I have furthered by embracing a shallow existence. Early on, I learned that I could combine my above-average looks, obsessive compulsive workout regimen, and status as an all-American baseball star and former minor league baseball player, and parlay a normal American male existence into a life of casual sex, solid income, and superficial but epic memories.
You may be repulsed, but I am not ashamed or embarrassed of the life I have chosen. Tuesday night blackouts, inappropriate comments, bottle service with morally casual sorority girls—this is who I am. I am painfully aware that my reckless lifestyle amplifies my jaded and cynical view on the world. A life of “normalcy” with a white picket fence, loyal wife and adoring kids passed me by the first time I watched my uncle Walter snort rails off a strippers’ ass at 8 years old. Instead, I now spend my days on the sidelines with a press pass and a shit eating grin, and my nights with an insecure Redskins’ cheerleader with dreams of becoming the next “Vince Lombardi Trophy Wife.”
But to my credit, I have learned to use my unique and controversial outlook on life to bring my jackass perspectives to the world of sports commentary. With any hope, I won’t simply be a soulless prick, but I can also bring entertainment and laughs to sports fans desperate for a new angle and fresh point of view.
I know some of you find my observations distasteful, offensive and even morally reprehensible. To these people I say you have lived a sheltered life; a life probably spent concerned about saying what is politically correct instead of what you really want to say. Well, that, and to obviously fuck off.
