The general theory of relativity states that a black hole is a part of space from which nothing can escape. Basically, around a black hole is an undetectable shit storm that marks the point of no return for anything that goes into it.

It is not hard to see how ironic this is in the sporting world as the Raiders and the Black Hole, completely and utterly embrace this definition. Since the Raiders last went to the Super Bowl in the 2002 season they have completely imploded. No player that enters the Black Hole will benefit from entering the dark abyss.

The organization is a disaster from head to toe. Coaches have been terrible to say the least as they turnover a new coach every year. Take their newest coach, Tom Cable. Just when you think the Raiders have learned that Cable will be released after assaulting another coach in addition to being a shitty coach, the brain trust in the Raider’s front office decide to keep him around another year. Genius!

This is all a product of shit rolling down hill. It all starts from the crazy sea monster owner, Al Davis. As much as I can respect his career in football he is a senile old man and needs to turn over the reins to someone that was born after the invention of electricity. Davis has become a joke, and with him, the Raiders.

Even Raider’s fans have the reputation of being the dredges of society. If they aren’t cursing, throwing beer at 10 year olds, or pissing themselves, they are trying to stab some other fans and getting caught on ESPN.

Every football player should run for the hills if they are getting recruited to the Black Hole. Either tat, or they should simply do as Randy Moss did and dick around until they finally trade you away.

The Raiders are a mess and if you can’t get rid of the old man at least start with getting rid of a quarterback that is arguably the worst first round draft pick ever. But wait! That would be smart and logical and that wouldn’t be the Raider way. Al Davis has done it again and hired Hue Jackson as offensive coordinator. It actually is a good move coaching wise however you cant make chicken salad out of chicken shit. Russell needs to be benched or put at another position because he lacks the ability to be a good quarterback. You need to be able to think on the fly, be a leader, and most importantly not run like Howard the Duck. These are characteristics that Russell does not and will not obtain.

Although I will point out every retarded move the Raiders do I must admit I love it. The worse the Raiders do the happier I get. And the way it looks right now, the Raiders are going to be garbage for years.

To make matters worse, in addition to looking like Ronald McDonald’s bastard children, Gingers are the most unathletic humans on the planet. Instead of being blessed with quickness, speed, agility or size, Gingers were blessed with lifetimes spent wearing Velcro shoes and masturbating on Saturday nights. Gingers traded coordination and athleticism for peeling sunburns and ginger pubes.

Yet, somehow, to their credit, a few Gingers have made it. Although it’s arguably less prestigious than winning the silver medal at the Special Olympics, here are my awards for the “Greatest Ginger Athletes”:

Brian Scalabrini

Ginger badass.

Shaun White

The one Ginger athlete that we do respect.

Mark McGwire

McGwire before he nightly butt roidings from Canseco.

Kris Kaman

If you think this guy is ugly ...

Bill Walton

... you haven't seen this guy!

Bobby Kielty

Embracing the awkwardness one strike out at a time.

And the Greatest Ginger Athlete Award goes to…

Chuck Norris

True karate isn't a sport and he's not really an athlete but come on, its Chuck Norris!

In the past year, we have entered the grand finale of combustion as David Ortiz, Alex Rodriquez, Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa, and now Mark McGwire have all, in one form or another, either admittedly divulged their use of steroids and HGH or have been undeniably linked to the stuff.

For those of us who didn’t ride the short bus to school, this latest revelation comes as no shock as the writing has been on the wall for years. Still, I am sure there are a select few idiots that are shocked and in awe of his confession.

After McGwire’s infamous “I’m not here to talk about the past” Congressional hearing, obviously it was only a matter of time before McGwire was forced to face the music. If it weren’t for his pending perjury charges, Bonds would have come out with it as well. Hell, once that case is over, quote me now, I am sure he will!

But all this steroid use has never bothered me. I don’t give a shit about the health effects. I am the same guy that chases my nightly Ambien with a double Jack and Coke, who am I to talk? Personally, I think we should let them all juice it up and start crushing shit.

Imagine if all athletes did some kind of steroid, under a doctor’s supervision so they don’t get over-the-top crazy like the psycho spitting linebacker Lattimer in the Program. Of course, that would be awesome. It would be like watching a freak show crossed with a gladiator battle royale in the Coliseum.

Tell me you wouldn't want a team full of Lattimer roiders.

Baseball would turn into a homerun derby, football would be filled with insanely quick running backs and jarringly powerful defenses, and basketball would have dunks from the 3 point line NBA Jam stye. Baseball fences would have to be moved back 100 feet, football fields widened 50 yards, and basketball hoops raised 4 feet. Tell me that wouldn’t be entertaining—it’d be like American Gladiators on speed.

Nonetheless there are skeptics out there that will argue that it’s wrong and tainting the game. What a bunch of liberal hippie bullshit. Why the hell do these people care? You might as well let the dog off the leash because everyone seems to have done (or are still doing it) anyway. Some just get caught and others don’t.

Take the McGwire situation. It’s obvious the only reason he admitted his use at this point is because he saw he was going to get permanently shunned from the Hall and needed to confess to get back into baseball as a hitting coach for St. Louis. It’s not like he had an epiphany and wanted to come clean, it’s just that keeping his mouth shut wasn’t getting him to Cooperstown and his nest egg was running low.

If you were shocked by McGwire, don't come back to this blog.

And I agree with McGwire’s PR staff, and actually I think it’s going to help him. Now that its out, we will forgive and forget like we always do. He’ll eventually make the Hall, and can only improve his currently bottom-basement reputation. Well done Marky Mark, I salute you. Now can I get the name of your dealer?

“Read the Defense!”

Brett Favre's deliberately bad mentoring couldn't stop Aaron Rodgers!

It’s time for this week’s “Go To Gamble of The Week.”  No teasers or parlays to complicate things, my gambles are those of the life altering variety.  One of those, “Here are my car keys, deed to my house, and 20 year contract to my wife’s vagina, I want San Diego -3… let’s do this shit!”

With round 1 of the playoffs, this weeks’ “Go To Gamble of The Week” may seem like a tough one, but its not—I am definitely going with a road team.  The NFL has become a league where it has been well documented that home field advantage is overrated, so I am taking the +3 Vegas gives all road teams and running.

Of all the road teams, I love the Packers the most.  A young, mobile gunslinger with enough experience and swagger to handle the pressure, a solid D, and decent running game pitted against one of the most schizophrenic teams in NFL history.

Sure, The Larry Fitzgerald Cardinals may show up at any moment like last year, but with an ailing Boldin, another year older Warner, and a struggling running game, I’m betting not.  Momentum is a large part of the playoffs, and no one is peaking better than the Packers.  The Chargers likely have peaked too soon (ala the 2008 Indianapolis Colts), leaving the Packers as the most realistically dangerous opponent.

With Rodgers at the helm, the Packers are the No. 5 passing offense in the league, and can throw the rock at will to the equally dynamic duo of Jennings and Driver. Meanwhile, the Cardinals are ranked No. 23 in the league against the pass. Obviously, not ideal for Arizona.

In the end, it really comes down to Rodgers.  Along with Phillip Rivers, they are clearly the next generation of elite level NFL quarterbacks, and with this ideal first round match up he is poised to take his resume to the next level.  Take the Packers road pick-em, and otherwise enjoy this weekends NFL playoff magic.

Book it.

However pathetic the situation, it has given me substantial knowledge of all kinds of sporting events, trends, and random facts from the sports industry. Wisely, Mitch refuses to invite girls when he gets free tickets to random sports events, which puts me on permanent shotgun to go along for the ride. It’s not like I have shit else to do.

I can understand that most girls think Mitch is an asshole, and they think the same of me for that matter. Mitch may be a prick to you, but he is a good wingman and an even better friend. Now I may not be a fancy sports writer like he is, but I do bring a more rational outlook to sports than he does. But like him, I am never afraid to call a person out, and bring a brutally honest perspective to sports. If you don’t like it you can suck my balls.

I feel it is my duty to rip new assholes for those people in sports that undeservedly don’t get touched by the typical media and sports writers. I am overly critical on athletes since I have been an athlete all of my life. I played football, track, and basketball from elementary school thru college. Unfortunately my knees gave out my senior year and I never recovered enough to go pro. Mitch argues this is why I am very critical on athletes who have been given the tools and the luck to avoid injury. I hate to see these guys squander away their gifts because they rarely know how lucky they are and how ugly the real world is.

Like Mitch, I am here to cover the shit that most sports announcers are censored from saying. Despite my lack of funds, I also somehow manage to live an obscene lifestyle, so expect to see a few articles detailing my drunken adventures through life every now and then. Any feedback is welcomed but unless you agree with me, you’re wrong. I am always up for some criticism so I can prove that you are an idiot. And that includes you, Mitch Mansfield!

The douche bags of the sports world are sometimes tougher to spot. Not because there aren’t any in sports, but because through fame, fortune, and a lifetime spent being the center of attention, most professional athletes either shed all reminisce of their douche bag ways, or we as fans give them the benefit of the doubt and look the other way. When I see an NBA star dressed like a circus conductor in a 7 button, purple suit in a post-game press conference I don’t think twice about it. If I saw that same suit in a Vegas nightclub, there is only one logical conclusion—douche.

In an effort to breakdown all things sports and give readers the perspective that the mainstream media prefers to pussyfoot around and avoid, I introduce the weekly “Shot of the Week”—the award for biggest sports douche of the week.

Without further ado, the winner of the inaugural award goes to . . . Gilbert Arenas.

There is nothing that David Stern fears more than the stigma that basketball players are thugs that were raised on the streets playing old school pickup games in some downtown ghetto. Unfortunately for the NBA, there are a select few players who further this stereotype and give the NBA a reputation that its players are thugs, assholes, or straight up criminals. One of these notorious NBA plagues is Ron Artest.

Ronnie boy gained worldwide asshole status the night he got punked by Ben Wallace and went berserk in the “Malice at the Palace.” After testing out the world of rap during his 86 game suspension, Artest started down a path of idiotic comments and buffoonish actions that have revealed his true nature as more of a cartoon character than a prison shower terrorist. His stories of stupidity never cease to amaze—drinking Hennessey at half time in the locker room, showing up on Jimmy Kimmel Live half naked, giving himself a concussion after tripping over boxes. You never know what to expect.

Although Artest is clearly a jackass, his shenanigans have not had the effect on his career than the actions of Gilbert Arenas. Arenas lacked the immense wisdom it takes to realize that bringing guns into an NBA locker room is a bad idea. To add to his amazing stupidity, Arenas pulled his guns out as a joke on another player to scare him. But wait, that’s not all, the guns weren’t licensed. Take notes Artest, this is how you let your antics end your career and lose you millions of dollars.

Now we know why he chose 0

In honor of this great feat of stupidity, it is with pride and disgrace that I award Gilbert Arenas the first inaugural “Shot of the Week.” Gilbert, you have been a bust for the Wizards over the past couple years and now you are handing them a way out of your ridiculous contract. Management in Washington undoubtedly sees this as a blessing in disguise and will certainly use this “Get Out of Gilbert Free Card” to get rid of his sorry ass.

Hopefully this “Shot of Week” makes up for some of those millions lost, Gilbert. You have certainly set the bar high for those that follow.

Gilbert Arenas . . .

These girls' team may lose the game, but they'll win later.

Even most of the BCS Bowl games have sucked this year. The Rose Bowl was over by half time. The Sugar Bowl was a lopsided beating right out of the gate, and we had to listen to the announcers suck off Tim Tebow for 4 quarters. According to these creeps, Tebow is the second coming.

Thankfully, last night the Fiesta Bowl came out strong. Two teams on a quest for the perfect season but not even playing in the National Championship Game!? TCU and Boise State were both undefeated until Monday night and fighting for an argument as the best team in the country. And these boys came to play. The game had big hits, tough defenses, two top-notch quarterbacks slinging the rock and even a trick play that gave Boise State the winning drive.

TCU cried about not getting to play Florida. Of course, they thought they deserved to play for the title, but TCU got beat down pretty convincingly. I know people will argue they only won 17-10, but the score did not reflect the game. TCU was getting knocked around the field when on offense and their steady quarterback was anything but as he threw 3 interceptions. We’ll see if the Orange Bowl and Georgia Tech and Iowa can keep the solid football trend going, but I seriously doubt it.

Despite Boise State’s victory and second thrilling Fiesta Bowl win in the last three seasons, they are still regarded as a mid-level team. What more can they do to prove themselves? They have beat every team put in front of them and deserve a chance to at least try and claim a national title. But we know it won’t happen. I obviously agree with Mitch and 85% of America that a BCS playoff system is needed, but I won’t go into it.

My ranting and raving won’t do anything. In the illustrious words of Ricky Bobby and the backcountry NASCAR hicks that apparently want to murder Mitch, “If you ain’t first your last!” What this means is that unless you are in the national championship game, no one cares about you. Nice job Boise State, you had the perfect season, but fuck off. Good luck next season.

Touchdown, Jesus!

As for the BCS title game, my betting money will be on a Texas W. Colt McCoy is a great quarterback but he hasn’t really won anything. Nominated for the Heisman twice but never got to strike the pose. He was on the 2005 Texas national championship team, but he was only a freshman on the sideline watching Vince Young’s heroics like the rest of us. Now he has the chance to leave his mark on college football and at least take home a championship. That, and I don’t think Ingram deserves as much acclaim as he does for a very statistically unimpressive season.

After Thursday’s game, I know I will cry a little. Raise your glasses. Here’s to the end of another BCS football season, and hoping that if he does nothing else while in office, Obama will at least change the BCS bowl system.

Angry NASCAR fans unite!

Don’t kid yourselves, steering a car and drafting may take some minimal athletic effort, but that fact doesn’t make NASCAR intellectual or interesting. It takes more skill and athleticism to know when exactly to pull out to perform a perfect Dirty Sanchez on an unsuspecting participant, but you don’t see me claiming it should be an Olympic event.

Even more comical, far too many NASCAR fans also found it necessary to tell me their academic credentials. Believe it or not, some alleged NASCAR fan actually graduated high school as “number 20 out of 397 people.” As if I give a shit. The fact that you know your class rank from high school and that you felt the need to tell me that is embarrassing enough for you, being a NASCAR fan on top of that is just overkill.

After yesterday’s NASCAR fan backlash, I am more enlightened. I now have a greater appreciation for the loneliness and awkwardness that dominates the life of NASCAR fans. No need to concern yourselves with the adults talking on this blog, NASCAR fans, we won’t be taking away your shinny, bright cars anytime soon. Taking down my articles won’t change that.

Enough redneck induced rage, on to some Shots From Around the Web:

Soon to be drafted Ohio State WR Brian Hartline bending over his girlfriend at an OSU party – SHOT.

Tiger Woods’ prom picture; has he ever met a white girl he didn’t like? – SHOT.

Meet the hottest sideline reporters not named Erin Andrews – SHOT.

Hayden Panettiere in Miami for New Year’s with boxing badass, Vladimir Klitschko – SHOT.

Something tells me Rihanna’s new boyfriend, Dodger Matt Kemp, would have caused more damage than Chris Brown – SHOT.